Ago

I came into a new place. New in both location and mindset. It was the very first official day of my new life in Korea. I was in a world where I knew basically nothing: I was ignorant of the culture, of the language, of the laws, of the beautiful subway system. The only thing I knew was that I was going to be with a bunch of perfect strangers (also known as the NSLI-Yians) for the most life changing 6 weeks of my life. I had no idea what I was going to be doing, nor did I know just how much my life would be changed.

By the end of the second week of classes, I had already hit the bottom of my w-curve. I was overwhelmed and feeling pretty blue. My emotions were a mess. I was developing a crush on one of the girls on the program. I was suffering and lagging behind in my classes. I’d never felt so pressured, so out of place, in my life. It was a harsh, new sensation.

Fortunately, all of the people on the program have hearts of gold. (If I honestly took the time to say how each individual helped, I’d be up typing until my train to Hongdae leaves.) With their help, I got through it alright. By the time the next week came around, I felt more ready for Korea. I was more confident in my ability to make it here. Sure, I got constant glances and stares from natives, but that’s to be expected when you’re an African-American in a very homogeneous, high-context culture.

From Now

It’s not as though life became instantly easier. There were still plenty of rough patches, but none as awful as that first one.

I’ve now reached what’s essentially the halfway point, and now I’ve realized just how much I love life here. I have the sweetest host family and an amazing roommate. I’ve got a pretty decent grasp on societal norms and I can sorta understand basic Korean and I love the subway songs. This NSLI-Y cohort is the most amazing and beautiful and talented collection of legends ever seen on this Earth.

It’s going to be rough three weeks from now. It’ll be the end of a journey that I never thought I’d see. I don’t think I’ll be able to totally readjust to American customs. I’ll never forget all the people I met and all the things that happened here. I’m a different person now.

I’m sorta sleepy, yo. I think I’ll end it here for this one. I love this crazy, noisy, bizarre town.

About eight hours ago, I was in deep discussion with my partner in crime (the wizard Aaron) about everything I was feeling. How I felt alone and uncertain. How I wish I were as inherently influential and respected as he was. How I felt left out, in a sense. How I want to be someone who people want around when they go out to do interesting and fun things. How Korean life as a whole felt. We shared stories of our interactions with the natives. We talked about why we were on the program to begin with. We talked about how uniquely amazing the people on the program are. And while I felt pretty bad at first, by the end of our talk I felt less awful and more thoughtful.

So far, I think my only major regret is simply not studying and implementing more. I know that if I studied more, I could talk more, and if I could talk more, it’d really add to the entire immersion experience. And I’ll admit, studying has never been my strong suit. I have to change my mindset, and that can be tricky to do. I have no doubt that it’ll be worth it.

Everyone on this journey has a special place in my heart. I can’t imagine I’ll be able to forget them or all the lovely memories they created with me. Every thing I’ve done thus far, from KFC to tonkatsu, the Han River to the Kyobo Book Centre, has been unforgettable and meaningful to me. I am immeasurably grateful to all of the beautiful, intelligent, and loving individuals on this program.

But in exactly four weeks, it’s over. And what comes after is, in a word, uncertain. My college isn’t communicating with me well. I haven’t selected my courses yet because I can’t make any of the sessions. I don’t know what my house looks like because I left before we had one. I don’t want to go back home because my home- Arizona- and where I live now- Texas- are totally different things. In fact, as of today, I have been in Korea longer than I have been in Texas. Seoul is more like home to me than Austin may ever be. I don’t know what to expect after I arrive in the Austin-Bergstrom airport. I don’t know what I want.

Right now, though, I’m not going to worry about that. There’s no sense in putting energy into something that I cannot properly address right now. I think I’m just going to focus on what needs to be done here and now- studying the language, absorbing the culture, and creating irreplaceable bonds.

Maybe, when it’s all over and the dust settles, things will be a little more clear.